I'm scared. No, nothing related to my insecurities. I'm scared of the inevitable.
You know that horrid feeling when you become aware of your beloved one's mortality. The unresting feeling that is going to happen .. It is going to happen. It is just a matter of time. And that you will be left to yourself, facing the burden of having to move on. Yes, you will have to go through the sorrow alone no matter how many people would stand there by your side. People could pretend to share feelings but they will never feel for you. It is just not physically nor emotionally possible.
I'm scared. I'm scared my parents are beginning to sense their own mortality. I'm scared that they're witnessing their memories die .. and it is a matter of time. I'm not scared I would be physically left alone, I know I can physically move on. Move away. But I don't trust my emotions. I don't trust my psychological immune system, for it has failed me every time. I'm scared I'm giving the thought of their decadence more than their living.. that when it happens, it is going to feel that they have died long before.
I'm scared. I'm scared I don't believe enough. I'm very fickle when it becomes to belief. It's not that I find it hard to believe. It's that I don't trust that I believe. Not enough.
I don't know, Frank. They say that one succumbs to this reality by time. It has only broken me before. I've accepted the fact that I'm not the person who enjoys living life. But I'm scared that the end is going to be even worse.
Until the inevitable arrival, I continue to repress.
